はつこい: An Ode to You

Chuckling like a five-year-old kid over hilarious jokes I never knew I would tell and hear from someone I barely know. Heck, I am not even sure if he was some serial killer or just catfishing.

It was pretty unconventional the way we met. The medium that no one would go to if they wanted a serious relationship. But that is the point, isn’t it? We were both bored adults trying to escape the harsh reality by diverting everything into something goofy, building our private, safe place.

I was astounded to have chosen the path we took.

On our first date, we spent the night together. It felt surreal; we talked about anything under the sun until three in the morning. I did not know it was possible to have this intense connection in a blink of an eye.

We woke up the next day, my head on your chest and arms wrapped around me.

I could not remember the last time that I slept this soundly. I felt safe. It was warm even though the air conditioner was at its lowest temperature. But more so, everything was familiar.

I wanted to be held by you forever. I knew right then and there, heck, I sure shall take whatever risk for this person beside me.

It was not an easy journey, you see. At first, we never really bothered to define what we were. There were miscommunications, misunderstandings, assumptions, and whatnot. I often wanted to let go and thought that maybe, the familiar feeling was just in my head.

Looking back, I think everything that we are and we are not was what made us strong.

We communicated even if it was hard. We are transparent because we recognize how important we are to each other.

For every little fight we had, we would always say:

Hey, I love you no matter what. I understand you. I am listening.

These were enough.

We would overcome everything, knowing now what we wanted ahead of us.

To this date, we still discover new things about ourselves. Accepting our differences is not as easy as it sounds, even to compromise at times, because we are both hardheaded. But here we are, still fighting for tomorrow because we desire to be each other’s endgame.

A couple of times, I have wondered (I still do) — what if I was just a pit stop? That someday you will get tired and find someone else whom you will love more than you have loved me? I am your first relationship, after all.

My mind would go down the rabbit hole and imagine the worst-case scenario. I was very good at that — I really am. Nothing to be proud of, I know.

But then, when you realized my face had started to paint insecurities and uncertainties, you would hug and kiss me on the forehead. You would kiss my eyes so tears would stop flowing. When you feel I am about to let go, you will hold my hand so tight to help me get away from overwhelming thoughts.

I have said this a thousand times before, but let me reiterate: Here is the thing — with all the bad things that happened in my life, I could not help but conclude that I do not deserve good things.

Only bad things will happen to me because history repeats itself anyway.

At times you can reassure me, but more often than not, you simply cannot. The negative emotion is so strong that sometimes I lose myself in the process, too.

It is not your fault, you hear me?

It kept me thinking — I probably need to reassess why I need this validation from you. Do I love myself enough? Was patching the broken pieces adequate so I am able to love you fully?

FIRST LOVE

I recently watched a Japanese drama which cinematography was superb. All the actors perfectly conveyed the story. It was magical; it reminded me of you.

Each episode made me either shed a tear or two or bawl my eyes out at times. Tsunemi, one of the supporting characters of the story, asked his then-boyfriend: Who is the person you want to see before you die?

It was you — my heart was screaming your name. I wanted to shut it off because I was frightened for my fragile heart.

Everything I wanted to say should that moment happen quickly passed my mind. The train of thoughts was so fast that I could barely remember anything. But there was one thing vivid:

Thank you, my love.

I am tearing up while I write this phrase because there are so many things I am thankful for. Do you want to know a few of those?

You, staying with me.

You, worrying about my welfare.

You, making life bearable.

It has been almost a year since we first connected. I could not keep track of how many times I laughed so hard I could barely breathe. And here we are, continuously exploring our individualities together and chasing the possibilities/opportunities presented before us.

We never know what will happen, no.

People say the more you love someone — the easier it will be to let go of that person should the time come. I oppose that — I say, the harder it will be is the correct answer.

That is what I fear. That is what I would not want to experience because I know in my heart that it will be excruciating. I am not ready for that, no.

Several years ago, I told a friend that someone I had in the past was my true love. She asked me then, how can you say for sure that he was your true love? I could not give her an acceptable reason; I shrugged and said, I just know.

I want to take back what I said to her.

You are my first true love. This time around, I am certain why.