What a year (or years?) it has been!
After this trip to Taiwan, massive changes happened. More so, it was the death of my grandfather that made me lose my shit. When I kissed 2019 goodbye, I claimed with confidence that 2020 will be my year — to finally go through the healing I needed, let go, and focus on my personal and career development.
Sometimes though, it’s absurdly funny how life messes up with you just when you start being confident and put together again. Who would have thought that 2019 was just an introduction? The pandemic happened (damn the administration by the way) on top of the personal shit I was going through. Almost a month before I turned 25, I lost my Mama who was the core of my plans and goals in life and that was probably the reason why I lost myself as well after she passed away.
When my Mama’s death finally registered, I couldn’t stop thinking about the time I was drinking with Neah, a friend of mine, at Rue Bourbon in Eastwood a few weeks after my grandfather died. I was then crying and told her that I might lose the will to live if I lose my Mama too. Although I was going through spiritual dryness, I didn’t stop praying because I couldn’t and wouldn’t dare to imagine life without her.
For months with the pandemic at its high-rise, we were in and out of three different hospitals almost every day, careful as hell. I was juggling through work, taking care of my Mama (medicines, therapies, etc.), and looking for ways to be able to meet the financial demands of fighting cervical cancer. Unfortunately, my Mama did not make it to date, but overall — she fought well. After her fight with cancer, it was as if I was thrown into the deep waters and I was drowning again.
For several months, I couldn’t think properly, I was apathetic, and ironically, I had several questions that I didn’t want to be answered.
Today, I am grateful because I was able to slowly swim away from that situation and it is all thanks to the people who have helped me find the courage to swim yet again. These people gave me so many reasons to stand up, pulled me away from the darkness I was in, and helped me fight with my inner demons. I am not sure if I will be able to repay the kindness that they have shown, but I am certain (and I am sure that my family knows this too) that they were able to save me from doing harm to myself. For that, I am forever indebted.
While 2020 was nutty as a fruitcake, particularly hard to go through, and certainly not what I hoped it would be, it unfolded so many lessons in life as well that are crucial for my growth. The silver lining, eh?
Learning the beauty of dealing with my fears, being stagnant, respecting my limitations/boundaries, opening/closing doors, and discerning what really matters was never easy but I’m glad that I never had to go through these alone because my family and friends were always beside me.
2021, I do not know what stunt you are about to play… I am not ready, and I will never be… Rather, I am prepared. I might bend, I might bawl my eyes out, hell — I might find myself on the edge of giving up more than once, but one thing is for sure — I will never stop being hopeful.
Hopeful that no matter how painful it gets, there is still something to look forward to, to be able to push through. Here’s to mastering the art of healing, letting go, trying love again, and above all — self-love.
From my space to yours, I wish you and your loved ones a happy new year! May you all be blessed with all the desires of your hearts.
