The Daily Stoic: Weekly Reflection №. 2
“Tranquility can’t be grasped except by those who have reached an unwavering and firm power of judgment — the rest constantly fall and rise in their decisions, wavering in a state of alternately rejecting and accepting things. What is the cause of this back and forth? It’s because nothing is clear and they rely on the most uncertain guide — common opinion.” — Seneca, Moral Letters
Merriam-webster defines tranquil (ˈtraŋ-kwəl) as: “quiet and peaceful”; “free from agitation of mind or spirit”; and “free from disturbance or turmoil”. To be honest, tranquility is not something I made a habit of rather easily. Aside from growing up in an environment where people talk like they are shouting at each other (that’s one of what Kapampangans are famous for), I also put a lot of pressure on myself to achieve several things in life. Apart from being eager to learn new things, I am also damn competitive.
Typical Leo — I love winning and perfection only. Losing and being a basic bitch is never an option.
Obviously, some of these pressures are meeting the basic needs in my life — to build my own home, to buy all the foods that my family and I need or could ever want, to pay all the bills, to continue ascending in my career path, and to have my own family. Adulting, you know. Albeit we typically associate the word pressure with anything negative, I call these my good kind of pressure. The ONLY reason why I want to attain/meet them is that these are something that I have always wanted ever since I was a kid. As simple as that.
If there is a good kind of pressure, of course, there is a bad (but not really) kind of pressure. I used to have a lot of these when I was still feeling insecure about everything in my life. Some of which are:
1) To buy this and that.
2) To get married when I am at this age.
3) To travel and go to many places because everyone is doing it.
4) To be slim because of beauty standards.
And the list goes on and on and on…
When I was at that point, my mindset was definitely toxic. I almost always lash out because I blame everything on other people. You see, I react negatively to a lot of things. Although, I have to say that some of what I mentioned above were also due to peer pressure. For example, when you meet someone who has known you since you were a kid. It will be a typical scenario for them to ask if you have a boyfriend or when you are going to get married. And then add a piece of unsolicited advice like “You are not getting any younger. You should find a boyfriend right now.” as if it is not already driving you crazy because of how fast the time flies.
Thankfully, I was able to pull myself out of that situation. I have learned the fine line and difference between evolving and being swayed by other people’s opinions. When I lost so many important people in my life, I started to reflect a little more and see my life from a different perspective. Aside from that, of course, the COVID-19 pandemic happened that helped me realize many things. On one hand, I have learned what my strengths are, and I started utilizing them in the best way possible. On the other hand, I have recognized and accepted all my flaws which I still try to improve every day. When I started to acknowledge everything in my life, I have gained something that is really hard to explain;
It’s like having this outrageous power over everything — even with the things I cannot really control — because I know and accept every bit and piece of myself. As a result, I am secure with what I do and do not have. I am empowered and confident in a good way.
In the end, I have realized that it is all about acknowledging myself and contentment. What I need in the future or what I want right now are still on the list, but there is a proper discernment going on because I need to discipline myself, too. Although I am way too far from living the life that I want, I never forget how important life is right now.
Living is a continuous process and it is up to us to make it worthwhile.
As I work hard for what I want to be in the future, I shall never forget the learnings throughout my journey in achieving it. I may have negative thoughts about myself due to my resurfacing insecurities or the pressure of society; I still hope that I may never wobble and that I continue to stand my ground. And although I know myself better now, I hope that I will not stop exploring places I can learn. Aside from these, I hope that listening to other people’s perspectives is something that I will continue to do, especially when there is a crucial shift in my life.
Right now, living for me is to hope, dream, and love.
