I am alone. So what?
trigger warning: violence, self-harm, depression, body image
Last night, I dreamt about being on a date and kissing a guy who I believe was The Weeknd — yep, the singer-songwriter I love. After a while tho, he grabbed a blade and cut my throat. I gasped for some air and eventually realized that he did not do it to get rid of me. He just wanted me to suffer. That dream was mental — not because The Weeknd was there — rather, it is because I eventually grabbed the blade and cut myself to death.
I woke up with spiraling thoughts — am I at it again? Am I not minding if I’ll die tomorrow yet again? Or have I visioned that someone has or is about to betray me? Well, guess what. The fear of betrayal, abandonment, and loneliness has resurfaced again. Lucky me, I caught it just in time.
On the last week of my 25th year, I was supposed to do some quiet time and reflect on what I have learned so far. The joke’s on me — it did not cross my mind, not even once. I was swamped with work, my upcoming midterm exam, and my presentation, which by the way, all happened on my birthday. I was frustrated, sad, and lonely that day. I felt alone. I could not stop entertaining the thought that I should have been watching anime or reading the books I have wanted to read for the longest time. I should have been relaxing because it’s a special day. I could not stop missing the people I have lost — my parents, my grandfather, and old friends I grew apart from.
Most nights, I question my progress and if I am spending my time here on earth the way I would really want to. I work overtime almost every day — which does not give me enough time to study, read books, or even communicate with the people I love. For a while, my insecurities were back as well — in terms of material success (absurd, I know), love life, and body image. It was so hard for me to breathe, and I could not sleep properly.
I was literally and figuratively burned out.
People think (actually, it is plausible that it is because of what I only allow them to know) that I am doing good because I am doing what I love. I am sure they know this but— it is not fun when your work is being a pain in the arse. It felt like my work has taken me hostage. Twenty-four hours of overtime in ten business days? Insane, I know.
The thought of sending my resignation letter consumed me but knowing that I could not because I have no other source of income killed me. I was also overwhelmed by the unnecessary noise in our neighborhood. Hence, I could not focus on writing my research papers. I cannot do whatever I desire to do. Heck, I do not even feel a little bit of connection with the people I love anymore. I mostly blame my tired body, brain, and soul. Or perhaps because I just lost my way in the process.
As you can see, not even I have an idea about what the heck is happening to me.
I used to be great at maintaining relationships, whether through communicating or being present for the people close to my heart. But now, I just could not. I am devastated in an overwhelming way. Being surrounded by people who do not seem to value and love me the way I deserve is exhausting. Being responsible for everything is wearying. Not being able to talk to anyone about this stuff made me feel more alone than usual.
Being alive alone is tiresome.
One more thing — I cannot just trust anyone anymore. I cannot even bear the thought of being close to people again. I had to let many people go in a span of one year (I am at fault, too), and seriously, I have just had enough. I am not willing to experience that excruciating emotional and mental pain anymore. I am good with the little to no people I have right now. I seriously could not ask for more.
With all these overwhelming thoughts, I figured I should write myself a letter. This one is raw (I did not even think of fixing it) so please forgive my words:
You are tired. Overwhelmed. Burned out. Before you decide on anything, know that you should breathe first and take a rest. You deserve it. However, I still want to be honest with you.
YOU ARE FREAKING ALONE.
I may be an arsehole to say that line, but I want you to think the reality for once. No matter how many people tell you that you are not alone, do not hold on to that solely. That would be too hypocrite of you.
Even you yourself, there were instances when you told your friends that you are always there for them, that you are one call away. But, were you ever present when they needed someone the most? No. You were not by their side right then and there. You were there to listen when your schedule permits you. Not all the time.
Same with the people who have told you that line — they were not there all the time mostly because they are busy with their own lives as well. Or probably because you have not reached out to them enough. We all go through a lot and that is given. I know you are aware and that you don’t blame anyone but yourself. Nonetheless, could you please stop blaming yourself for a while and try to look at your situation from a different perspective?
You want to be less dependent on the people around you, don’t you? You have always been alone in dealing with your shit. And honestly, isn’t it how it is supposed to be?
Don’t you want to take charge of your life choices, whether it is a mistake or a success? You have always believed that you are not supposed to depend on other people when you are about to make big decisions for your life. That you are not supposed to ask people what you should do if you want to assume responsibility for everything in your life, particularly your emotions and your future.
You are supposed to think for yourself. You are supposed to prioritize yourself. You are supposed to love yourself this time, you stupid girl.
Now tell me, what the heck is wrong with being alone? Since you were a child, that’s how it has always been. You even thought that it was a blessing in disguise because it allowed you to face reality at an early age, didn’t you? You have always been strong. You have always been sensitive to your surroundings therefore, you always know which way to go.
Most of the time, you are trapped in a dark place, which makes you think that it is kinda sad. But you have always had the light in you that makes you shine bright so you always find your way out. You rely on yourself most of the time, and you end up pushing yourself to your limits. Isn’t that good? Albeit slowly, you are still growing without being pressured by other people. You’re doing things that you think will satisfy you as a human being. You’re having progress because that’s what you need.
You are alone. So what?
Shai, you are doing great. Do yourself a favor and give yourself a pat on the back because you’re finally taking charge of your life.
You are doing great. You are growing. You were born to run, remember? You are alone, but you are not lonely. You still have a few people around you who are willing to be there for you if you just let them. Do you hear me?
Now, take charge and enjoy the process. Call someone when you are ready. Ask for help if needed. Actually, I take that back because I know you — you will never ask for help unless it’s critical. That’s actually one of the things I admire and hate at the same time about you.
Now, go on and continue reading that book!
If everything is overwhelming and you have no one to talk to, please reach out to the contact numbers provided below: