Atrocities of thy heart
I promised to myself that the liberation, escapades, clarity, euphoria, and new perception that the month of April has brought me will always be something that I will hold on to when dark times decide to invade my life once again. Yes, you read it right. In the beautiful month of April, numerous things happened — the planned (but mostly unplanned) vacations, the unexpected dating era, and even the new emotions that registered into my system. All of which have influenced whatever I opted to treasure from this month alone.
New work, people, environment, perspective, and experiences — different kinds of things excite me on a daily basis. As someone who is aggressive in grasping anything new, I must say that I am having the time of my life. My current work promises a career path I would not have dreamed of — let alone know — depending on the performance and commitment that I will show in my first year.
It was like the freedom I gained when I broke away from what was holding my wings back finally collided with the confidence that this promise had for me. I am elated; I know that I am bound to fly high.
You cannot imagine how much I look forward to what tomorrow will bring, which in all honesty, I have not really felt in a very long time.
New people: I have always been fascinated by people’s stories, even those I have just met. I love to be walked through how each person lives life and eventually know why they do things as they do. Small talks are not really my thing; On the contrary, deep talks help me reflect on many things in life, albeit sometimes incapacitating. I take great pleasure in getting to know people who are as honest as I can be. In retrospect, I am passionate about understanding people with the benefit of improving my communication skills as well.
When you have been so deep into the abyss of loneliness and grief for years — a decade even — happy days sometimes make you feel guilty for no apparent reason. Most of the time I think: “Every little thing is making me feel happy. I feel like I do not deserve this. Maybe tomorrow, something bad will happen”.
Lately, I have been guilt-ridden about taking the first few steps in breaking away from these two dark emotions that have ruled most of my life. I guess it is safe to say that somehow they became my comfort; Conversely, they were partly the main reason I escaped so many good things in life…
There is a tendency for me to think: “I am bound to feel loneliness and intense grief again, so why bother to feel temporary happiness per se?”
More so, these were the rationale for the dreams that may or may not see the light of day. They complete me — they motivate, bring purpose, and create propositions that help me push through life. I have a love-and-hate relationship with loneliness and grief; These dark emotions wreck me but force me to do better and be better at the same time.
The lack of good sleep, anxiety from our country’s national election, the intense feeling of missing my Mom, or my hormonal imbalance — I do not know which of these is talking right now; However, I know for sure that there are so many thoughts that run through my head, and they have the potential to ruin the lovely things in my life right now. I know you know that this is never good and, I guess, what we would call a bummer.
In all honesty, these terrifying thoughts have been breaking my heart for a couple of days now. Thus far, I am not doing anything to relieve myself from the pain other than writing this blog post. I suppose I am a masochist — letting myself go through something that may or may not happen through isolating myself and potentially hurting the people that I love. Same old same old.
I guess I should do what my Manager told me last Thursday: “Go crazy, Shai” — literally and figuratively. ٩(⊙‿⊙)۶